There comes a time in life when we must re-evaluate our closest relationships…

Sometimes our oldest and longest affiliations need to be examined, as our lives change and evolve our connections must evolve too. Many of us hang onto relationships that we have outgrown, like a security blanket. I am finding that I need to face reality, and take measure of what I allow into my life.

It’s not you…It’s me!

My life has changed drastically over the last two years, and I am realizing that I was just waiting for the wave of events to pass so that I could jump back into my life where I left off. I liked the life that I had…it took 44 years to create…and I wanted it back…I was waiting ,unconsciously, to rejoin it.

I love watching the ocean, water calms me, sitting on the sandy beach, soaking in the sun. But if you have ever watched the waves come in, you know that there is never just one wave. It is one after the other, followed by the next. Some waves may be bigger than others, some cancel each other out, others smoothly transition into each other.

At times the ocean may be calmer than others, but it is always moving. Most waves are caused by the wind, in fact the waves that you see crash on the shore in front of you may be caused by a storm half a world away. You are seeing the results of the turbulence created miles away. Although the water is rushing over your toes, crashing over the sides of your boat, or propelling your surfboard, they were created elsewhere.

Waves also effect the beaches that they land on. They can carry sediment that builds the coast line, but during a storm a wave can totally erode a beach-carrying the sand back out to sea. Over time waves can erode even stone bluffs, creating instability.

Although I was waiting for the wave of events to pass…

I now realize that the waves will never cease, the life that I had does not exist anymore. The waves have created a new and unrecognizable beach, and with each day, and each wave, the coastline of my life changes again.

I realize that everyone’s life changes everyday. Things happen, we adapt and go on. We are constantly moving so the changes do not seem life-altering. I can see you scratching your head wondering why I wrote this article, life changes for each one of us all the time…right?? What is the point?

As life changes we roll with the tide, we let it carry us to the next wave, the next decision. We just get on with it, and keep going. Over the last two years Rogue waves (also known as freak waves, monster waves, killer waves, extreme waves, and abnormal waves) have been a regular occurrence in my life. Family emergencies and illness put me on the sidelines, I watched the life that I had built move on without me.

I watched the lives of my friends and family evolve through their facebook posts, new realtionships, babies being born, career changes, fun times, get togethers…I enjoyed watching, like a voyeur, living vicariously through their time lines. Impatiently waiting for the time I could jump right back into life, exactly where I left it. But I did not realize that although my life stopped, everyone else was riding the waves…continually changing and evolving into the next decision, the next event, the new relationship, evolving…

I am now searching for a way to navigate my life, my altered shoreline.

I am saddened by the loss of familiarity. The relationships that I had built, have changed. In some ways I am saddened, but in other ways, I am excited. There are so many possibilities. The world is wide open. I have the opportunity to create a new life. New connections. New career. Exciting…but also scary.

Not many of us take the time to scrutinize our relationship with others and our relationship with ourselves. For me every action or decision is cause for me to take stock, to evaluate the “who, what, where and why’s”. I jumped back into life expecting it to be the same, expecting myself to be perceived as I was, to take back what I had built.

Like Christopher Columbus, Neil Armstrong, or Amelia Earhart I am setting off on an exploration into uncharted territory. I am not sure what I will find, as the familiar seems so unfamiliar. When I was younger I wish that I would have asked myself the “hard” questions, “What do you like?”, “Why do you care so much what other’s think?”, “What do you really want to do with your life?”, “Who do you want to be? What type of mother, wife or friend?”. I wish that I would have been more introspective. I wish that I would have known myself better.

At 46, I am now asking those questions. Some of the answers are not what I thought. Rogue Waves have crashed, unrelentingly, in on my life, creating chaos. It is up to me to navigate the new terrain or fail in my attempts to live a life that does not exist anymore.

“It is good to feel lost… because it proves you have a navigational sense of where “Home” is. You know that a place that feels like being found exists. And maybe your current location isn’t that place but, Hallelujah, that unsettled, uneasy feeling of lost-ness just brought you closer to it.” ~Erika Harris

In future posts I will be examining my life. My new life and my old life are at war, it is obvious who the victor will be…the old life only exists in my mind and in my emotions. I do not believe that I am the only one facing these changes. Starting over in the middle of life…