When I began to write this series…
I did it to let go. When I feel deep pain I “swallow” it up inside me. I don’t think about it, don’t allow myself to feel, I cover my head with the blankets, just like a child, keeping the scary things away.
“Swallowing” the pain allowed me to move on to the next breath, next minute, next hour, next day. I am not sure that I would have survived otherwise. But I am now finding that when I buried the scary parts, I also buried the good parts too. As I am digging out the pain, guilt, and sorrow, the memories are vivid, I am there again, in the past, 25 years ago. But a lot of the good memories are gone. I locked things away for so long and so deep that I cannot recall things that I would like to remember.
But I am learning so much…
Not only about myself, but about life. I realize that I had no idea who I was. I did not really like myself when I was younger. I did not dislike myself, I just had no idea who I was.
Life is so funny, you chase love, but love will not come until you know yourself. I was chasing love, to the distraction of all else, during my teens and twenties. After losing everything I finally found myself.
Now I am teaching my children…
Everything that I learned the hard way. Know what you like, know what you are good at, be proud of who you are and your accomplishments, give yourself a break, work hard and play hard, make connections with those you love-make sure that you “like” those you love…don’t just love them because they love you. Look forward, don’t watch your life through the rear-view mirror. Reflect on your past to learn from it, to remember your experiences fondly. Hold in your mind and your heart the good times…not the bad.
But through this purge…
The nightmares have begun again. The exact same nightmares that I had 20 years ago. It is very disorientating to waken in a panic over past events while in my present, laying across the bed from my husband, Bruce. At times I have to get up and check on my children, to make sure that they are there, tucked safely in bed. To make sure that they exist.
I have not written for over a week…
I needed to remove myself for a bit. When I write I am flooded by the past. It is very hard to be in the past and live in my present. As I write I am living in a cozy historical home near downtown with Larry, but when I get up from my desk I find myself in a newly built home out in the suburbs with my children and my husband, Bruce.
Please bear with me, the rest will come, but for a moment I want to remember…
How it felt to fall in love and be in love with Larry. I get the chance to live it all over again, while I am in a safe place, but this time I know the ending…and I don’t want to rush away the beginning.
XOXOXOXO,
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